Hope you like deres Ichigo!
by Nartog
Summary: Why you shouldn't kick super beings in the nuts. Or a study regarding the natural predators of Homo Ichigius. Alternative title, why being a Shounen hero and staring in parody hentai rocks! Once more plot on crack, consider yourself warned. Alternate Universe. Fem Aizen, Fem Ulquiorra. Contains lots of dere-dere, run for your life and sanity! Steer left to avoid bad grammar.


_Disclaimer. Bleach and all its characters and settings and items and anything else related do not belong to me nor do I lay any claim towards them._

_To the best of my knowledge and understanding they are the property of Tite Kubo, Shueisha, Viz Media, and Cartoon Network's Adult Swim and other people or companies unknown to me. This sorry excuse for a plot is mine as is the mysterious Man/being though._

_If you liked this story than please consider supporting the companies and people who own Bleach by purchasing the manga, games, anime, and other related items and merchandise._

* * *

"Mommy mommy look at me I am a hero!" said a young Ichigo as he raced through the playground. Being a kid he didn't notice the stone in his path and found himself reenacting the first attempts of Kal El at flying, a sudden and short lived sense of euphoria at cruising through space replaced with the merciless drag of gravity and big bouts of flailing before he landed at a protruding mount of dirt open mouth first.

"Bwahahahaaa" tears were rolling down the Man's eyes as he clutched his belly, "Yeah kid you are a natural that's the way to go bwahahaha" he said pointing at the spluttering child.

Being in the throes of mirth he didn't notice as a fuming and red faced Ichigo approached. "Take that you meanie heaaa", needless to say the kick to the jewels was noticed by the super being.

"Ohhhh.. oi oi oi don't worry my precious, daddy is going to make sure everything is ok, ohhhh" said the being as he lay there groaning clutching the most important treasure of men all the while glaring as the smug child went back to his beautiful mother.

"Ouff you are going to pay for that Kurosaki, hope you like your harem of deres ohh.." he mumbled as tears run down his eyes from the pain.

* * *

(Kuudere and Dandere)

"Wait" screamed Ichigo as he followed the fleeing, or so it seemed arrancar ''Were is she going, wait is she going to.. fuuu'' the swing from the petite's arrancar sword and the ensuing falling rabble from the ceiling interrupted his thoughts as he was forced to dodge.

Ulquiorra settled upon the giant pillar and waited as cussing which would make a sailor Grimmjow proud drew closer. "Stupid unemotional bitch what did she think she was..". If Kurosaki had arrived at the top of Las Noches a few seconds earlier he would have witnessed a sight which would have made him tremble. Ulquiorra had the characteristic tick of female fury.

"Huf, huf why did you do that you crazy lady I thought you wanted to show me why it was futile to fight against you" said an oblivious and panting Ichigo as he gazed at the stoic (to him) looking arrancar.

"You passed the tests Kurosaki." said an out of the blue smiling Ulquiorra.

"Huh?" was the eloquent answer of Ichigo as dread raced across his spine for some reason.

"Espada who are numbered 4 or lower are prohibited from releasing their swords or using Gran ray cero within the dome by Lady Aizen, doing so would cause the destruction of Las Noches." she said while drawing her sword and pointing it at the giant blender for races and super powers named Ichigo.

"Witness the power that is now yours, enclose Murcielago." as she uttered those words the boy at last realized that sanity had taken a back seat in this universe a long time before he was born.

'Screw this someone else will save them all, I am going back. Being a doctor sounds nice no unatural craziness there yesss..' thought Ichigo as he started to haul ass.

_'Yo king whats up.'_

''I am busy now hollow I will deal with you when I have escaped the psycho that is after me!''

_'Eh what ya mean king, holy boobies! She is hot!'_

''Yeah and she is after our ass!'' shouted an exasperated Ichigo

_'Eh hehehehe' _was the eloquent answer from the inner world.

''Shut up you perverted hollow, also were is Zangetsu I thought that beating you meant that we didn't have to deal with you for now.''

For some reason Ichigo thought that at that moment the unnamed inner pain had slapped/facepalmed himself. _'King I know you are an idiot...'_

"Oi!"

_'But you still haven't figured it out?' _interrupted the hollow_ 'Anyway ''Zangetsu'' is here. Get over here you goth wannabe the boss calls!'_

_'Ichigo... it rains again.' _was all the oblivious zanpakuto said.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" screamed Ichigo while he frantically dodged the crazed arrancar's attempted 'hugs with benefits', "NO no no, I don't care which of you two idiots can help but you have to do it Nooooww Noooooooooooo!" was all Ichigo managed to say before the female powerhouse grabbed him and pulled him on top of a pillar for...well you know.

* * *

(Yandere)

As Ichigo was getting his first taste of what being a man felt like a grand disturbance occurred in the 'Ichigo force', those with a high enough count of Ichi-chlorians were displeased to say the least.

"Hmm Ulquiorra you shall have to be punished for that..." was all Aizen said while she was tearing the amassed shinigami forces a new one.

"ICHIGO YOU BAKA!" screamed Rukia as Renji fled in terror while even Yammy appeared scared, his evil monologue all but forgotten in the face of a tsundere's rage.

"You hentai!" screamed a reawakened and confused Grimmjow for some reason, normally it was nigh impossible for any male to get a high enough Ichi-chlorian count. But the panther was the unlucky exception.

"Hurry up Ishida-kun I sense Kurosaki-kun is in danger" said Orihime while a strange and unholy gleam shone in her eye.

"Y-yes Orihime!" was all the fearful archer said in response as he proceeded to increase the power output to his flight technique.

As they cleared the roof moans reached their ears.

"Ohh so this is what happiness feels like." said the female in her throes of passion.

"Gurgle, gurgle?" was Ichigo's thoughtful and deep answer.

Seeing her new mate's lovestruck gaze she gently caressed his face while resuming the..action.

"Don't worry I will protect you." she murmured to his ear.

A hissing of "Kurosaki-kuuun." interrupted them.

Ichigo turned his head as he attempted to regain his bearings and saw Orihime approaching them at high speeds, approaching them while wearing a... unique smile.

While the host was stupid never let it be said that the same was true for the other parts of his soul, Zangetsu being made of sterner stuff took one look at the approaching horror and wisely choose to jump and hide inside one of the most distant buildings. The sight having reawakened memories of what that lunatic of a woman wanted to do to his origin self, her fire sword didn't help either. Seriously sex at kelvin temperatures is not a man's idea of good time!

Ignoring the pathetic invader the 'true' Zangetsu showed why he was the king's instincts as he let his hollow nature shine through. _'Aieeeee!' _Was all the being known in some circles as Hichigo screamed in most certainly not a girlish voice before taking control of the love-dazed Ichigo's body and unleashing all the power he could muster in such a short notice.

'Woosh'

The explosion of power knocked back Ulquiorra from...her place and distracted Orihime enough to stop and gaze, were there once lay Ichigo now was a rapidly disappearing trail of dust as Zangetsu in control of his partner's body and in his full hollow form was making a desperate bid for freedom.

"Ishida-kuuun" said Orihime in a very sweet tone.

"A-ahh yes?"

"Take care of..her" spat the yandere in the arrancar's direction before dashing towards her rapidly disappearing victi...errr I mean as she tried to save Ichigo-kun of course.

'Gulp' "Yes Orihime" trembled Ishida before turning and giving a weak smile to the once more 'Ayanami' approved stoic arrancar.

Seeing the archer's intentions she responded "You are his friend so I will not kill you."

As Ishida's breathing system got back into working order she continued, "But I will incapacitate you enough to stop opposing me." she finished in a quiet tone while a dangerous gleam shone.

The boy felt like crying.

Meanwhile a certain hollow/zanpakuto was trying to keep his host/partner alive by the best method available in such situations. Hauling ass!

"**Oh shit, Ohhh shit!" **panted Hichigo as he raced across the plains of the hollow dessert.

Daring a glimpse backwards he let loose another, most certainly not a girlish one, scream. Seeing a yandere and rapidly aproaching Orihime after anyone would do that to most people.

"**Sorry Ichigo, I know you are dense and don't deserve this but better you than me buddy. Hope whoever god you antagonized forgives you! Ai**ee." trailed the zanpakuto spirit before thrusting his partner back in control just as the crazed lad...the kind girl grasped the unfortunate soul's body.

"Now now Ichigo you are saaafeeee." purred the female.

"Waah, Orihime?" murmured a dazed Ichigo. Seeing her predatory gaze he gulped.

"Don't you worry, I will make it all better." she purred once more before...well lets just say the boy wonder got once again what most boys chased for weeks before getting.

* * *

(Tsundere)

Meanwhile in the Ichigo-force. "Hmm" was all the spectacled lady said as she was mowing down enemies left and right, the only sign of her increasing fury being a certain tick on her forehead, hidden behind illusions of course. After all a lady of her status couldn't be seen as anything but perfect! And the other sign was the increased amounts of pain and savagery she left in her wake with each thrust and slice of her sword.

The same couldn't be said for Rukia, who at this point was more or less a walking tick mark.

"Mwahahahaha, Yes! Tremble before my feet you pathetic bugs!" boasted an oblivious Yammy as Rukia's 'pissed of tsundere' aura was rapidly expanding.

Seeing this Renji paled and hid behind his bankai as it formed an igloo of bones around him. Both he and his zanpakuto remembered this well, the last time Rukia was this pissed...

"Bankai." were Rukia's softly spoken worlds before the arrancar opposing her started to think that he might have made a tiny mistake.

He was right. In the next instant a giant icicle stood in the angry behemoth's place, one that was cracking in many different places and shapes.

A fearful Renji was feeling particularly adventurous this day as he peeked under a tiny opening his bankai made for him. Seeing that the coast was clear he exhaled before contorting into a ball while rocking back and forth.

Meanwhile Ichigo was getting suffocated by Orihime's giant...love. Being a fast learner was always one of the boy's attributes. "Huh, so this is how I go out eh? Not a bad way." was all he managed to think before his and Orihime's... activities came to a chilling interuption.

"Iiiichiigooo..." was all Rukia said.

Hearing her arctic tone and, well feeling the effects of her bankai shriveled quite a few things about him. A battle of Deres is a wonderfull and terrible thing, luckily enough for Ichigo's sanity Rukia was prepared and before the opposing female could react a quick smack to her head solved the potential problem.

"Thiis woont do." said the frozen girl before proceeding to..dislodge the other girl from the boy. "Now let us be off Ichigo." said Rukia as she dropped from her bankai while grabbing our young hero.

"You baka! What were you thinking!" screeched Rukia before throwing the unfortunate male on the gates of the castle just as they arrived via shunpo.

"Wah? Ohhh" was all he said as his...friend came into contact with the stone.

Seeing the poor boy clutching his bruised manhood Rukia switched to her dere side. "Ooff, here you big oaf let me help you. But don't get any ideas." said the blushing beautie.

Their touching moment was interrupted as with cries of 'Ichigo' both the arrancar and the human female approached from opposite sides. Seeing this Rukia narrowed her eyes before grabbing her love intere...he is just a stupid friend OK?~! And disappearing in a garganta to soul society.

As to how she did this, well lets just say that her zanpakuto had an unhealthy interest in Hichigo and 'Zangetsu' who in order to secure a few more seconds of freedom was willing to do anything, a portal to the shinigami stronghold was an awesome deal for a few more seconds of remaining a virgin and a promise to pester 'Zangetsu' first. Let it be known that for all his bluster the hollow was even more shy than his partner regarding romantic matters.

Rukia didn't know nor did she care as she arrived to her home dragging a scared Ichigo with her.

Considering all that had happened so far she narrowed her eyes and turned to the boy while disregarding her clothing.

Seeing his open mouth as she turned she blushed "What? Am I not pretty enough?" she asked in a tone that all but screamed be careful what you answer or else!

She needn't have worried though as a blustering and bumbling Ichigo trying to reassure her while turning more and more red as he gazed at her was answer enough.

She smirked as the poor boy almost gave itself whip-splash each time he looked at her before rapidly turning away in order to respect her modesty. But the longing was clear in his eyes as he couldn't resist stealing glances again and again.

'Oh you innocent man' though a flattered Rukia before advancing in a seductive manner, her hand trailing down her side.

"Oh Ichigo!" she said in a suggestive tone.

The boy gulped.

* * *

(Kanedere)

Even without our hero events had transpired much the same way in the main battlefield, although with a far smaller amount of losses in either side. Despite everyone's best attempts.

A hastily dressed Ichigo left the soft form of a sleeping Rukia and arrived at the outskirts of his town having sensed Aizen appear. The events with the petite shinigami made him blush but a small smile wormed its way to his face.

The weird circumstances forced a truce amongst the three facets of the being called Ichigo, and so he arrived at the sight of the final battle with a far greater amount of power available at his disposal than what he would have obtained in most other timeliness and dimensions. But there was another difference, the power born out of the necessity of protecting themselves from crazy females was permanent unlike the sacrificial technique, the downside though was that the power still required the various release states to be acceded. And in this our hero made a fatal mistake as he arrived in his shikai, at this level his power far exceeded that of grandma-commander but was still less than Aizen's after her transformations.

Sensing this she stopped just an instant before slashing Gin and turned her hungry gaze towards her worthy partner.

Gin closed his eyes as he slumped to the wall nursing his wounds, 'Better you than me kid. Better you than me...' was all he thought.

"Aize-" was all Ichigo managed to utter before a hand grasped his tunic and he was whisked off far away from the town.

Even though the two super beings were miles away their groans still reached the town as did the tremors and the quakes.

"Snif SNIffff. My son has finally become a man! Oh Masaki, you would be so proud!" wailed Isshin in a perverted tone as he took stock of the situation.

"Oh shut up you old pervert." spat the agile female.

"Oho? Come on Yoruichi, I know you wish you were in her place." said Isshin as he nudged the dark skinned beauty.

"S-shut up. That is besides the point." was all she said as her skin turned even darker.

Knowing what a pervert his friend was, and a secret pervert in his girlfriend's case all Urahara did was shake his head.

"Not in my most wild calculations did I expect-"

"Arggg"

"Yeeeess" moaned a surprisingly soft female voice.

"Well this." he finished in a deadpan as the tremors intensified before stopping.

"I didn't envision this type of Mad SCIENCE!" murmured Urahara before he disappeared towards the... pair of super beings.

A panting Ichigo was startled as Urahara appeared next to him and Aizen.

Upon his arrival the marble of miracles pulsed a few times before altering its host once more. Once the light subsided the mad scientist lowered his hand, sitting upon the hero of the winter war was the evil mastermind. Only now her form was radically different and more sensual. The other startling thing were the reatsu ropes. One was connecting Ichigo and the female on top of him while a few others shot into the distance. Warily Urahara reached a hand towards one of the strands before it faded. A startled gasp echoed throughout the newly created plains drawing the attention of the 2 super beings.

.

.

A second passed, then another. With slow movements a stone faced Urahara lifted his palm.

''Smack!''

He groaned as he facepalmed himself.

"Only you Kurosaki, only you..." he mumbled. "You truly are Isshin's son."

"What is it?"

"As was the plan, when Aizen," he pointed to the nude female sitting on top of Ichigo with a smug expression "was sufficiently weakened my seal would activate and would seal her. But as usual any plan that comes into contact with you blows up!" he screamed before sobbing. "You did wrestle control of the hogyoku from her alright. But before it recognized you as its master it agreed to grant her her last wish. You are now bonded to her, as well a few other females?" he trailed of uncertain.

At this Ichigo paled as screams from his approaching harem of deres echoed.

The end?

* * *

_(Author's notes) This plot bunny had been in my pc since Christmas I think? In any case after finally figuring how to fix my book for kindle, I don't know who you are lady but Alkinea the fact that I can continue using libre office and write is awesome thank you. Anyhow after writing a bit and restarting my you tube channel I decided to finish this simply because of the fact that it was half done, annoyed me and it was consuming mental resources._

_ Also go and play castlevania lords of shadow 2, despite a few horrible spots the game deserves at least one playthrough by anyone who liked the first and wants to experience the story. But be warned the bad patches are really annoying._

_ Regarding how this piece came to be, well I wanted to write something for bleach. I was viewing something regarding the various dere-dere types, tv tropes is your friend yeees say good bye to your hours, and a plot on crack(as usual) appeared. Also don't kick me in the jewels. But at the same time I didn't want to write a lemon fic or at least display the happenings, leaving stuff to the imagination is good you know. So i tried to temper it a bit.  
_

_ While this is a crack harem fic(like pulling a sharp turn to crack land once more) I tried to convey that I have a soft spot for Rukia-Ichigo as well. But I have a soft spot for moes/kuu-deres/dan-deres as well so I guess fem Ulquiorra gets my support as well in this fic. _

_Also for disturbing mental images, for those lucky enough to miss it the old quincy king was chased by the female Yamamoto 1000 year back or so._

_ For those wondering even though she doesn't show it, mainly because the bond hadn't happened at that point, this Orihime is from the elusive yandere breed that accepts a harem. Ichigo is lucky._


End file.
